


Use My Words Against Me

by matchstick_dolly



Series: Matches After Midnight [18]
Category: Lucifer (TV)
Genre: American Politics, Closeted, Double Penetration, Fuckruary 2021, Fuckruary 2021: Talk to Me Baby, Gen, Humor, Politics, Sexual Content, dialogue only, don't like it unsubscribe lmao, how I loathe the turtle and all his friends, my undying love for the Devil's favors
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-07
Updated: 2021-02-07
Packaged: 2021-03-12 22:00:29
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,131
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29267625
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/matchstick_dolly/pseuds/matchstick_dolly
Summary: Far-right U.S. Senator Olin Graham's about to be caught with his pants down again—with two men this time! Luckily, he's got the Devil on speed dial, but any favor from the Devil comes with a price.
Series: Matches After Midnight [18]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1620778
Comments: 33
Kudos: 51





	Use My Words Against Me

**Author's Note:**

> _Warning: This will make no sense if you're not into American politics._
> 
> For the following [Fuckruary 2021](https://fuckruarychallenge.tumblr.com) prompts: double penetration, Congress.

"Olin, darling! I love what you've done with the place! Are those clematis? Didn't take you for the gardening type."

" _Good God Almighty_!"

"Please, we've been _over_ this. If you're going to ring me in the middle of my workday, the least you can do is call me Lucifer. Mislabeling is so offensive."

"Look, I'm sorry, all right? It's just, _Jesus_ —"

"Not him either."

"—you pop up like the gopher in my yard. It just about gives me a heart attack every time."

"Wouldn't want that, would we? After all, we both know where you're headed once you no longer count in the Census."

"No. _No_. That's not true. You said my own guilt would determine where I end up, and I don't feel a damn bit guilty."

"Darling, you're sixty-five and so far in the closet you're collecting moths."

"And. I. Don't. Feel. Bad. About. Anything."

"Mm-hmm. I was like you once, believe it or not. Before I was cured, that is. It's called denial, Olin."

"My point is you know I hate when you fly in like that. Oh, stop laughing. It's not funny."

"If you say so. Now, what seems to be the problem this time? Another nubile staffer wet your itty-bitty whistle?"

"No, but I am being fucking blackmailed."

"Ah. Well. You do tend to deserve it, don't you? Hmm, let me think. _Yes_. Yes, you always deserve it."

"Just tell me if you think you can do anything about it."

"I'm the Devil, my dear. Of course I can bloody do something about it. When haven't I? Now who's upsetting Lady G?"

"I'm never living that down, am I?"

"No, but I assure you I've called men far stranger things in the bedroom, so out with it."

"It's Bobby Hampton and Keith Westport I need you to do something about."

"Ooh, two this time, really? Oh, but your first mistake was bedding a Keith. They're never good news. So who were these chaps to you?"

"Isn't it enough I told you their names?"

"Of course, but you know I love good gossip when it comes to you. So keep going. Who were they?"

"Fine. A male stripper and-and one of the idiots who stormed the Capitol."

" _Hah_. Oh, that _is_ quite a bind you're in, isn't it?"

"Yeah, believe me, I know how it looks. Why do you think I called you?"

"Aw, and here I thought it was that you missed me."

"I had no idea at the time that Keith was a Qultist."

"Well, when you lie with pigs… I'm guessing they've pics of your little ménage à trouble?"

"Yes. And if I don't get Keith a pardon—and how in the hell am I supposed to do that!—he'll have the pictures released on social media."

"Right. Well, you know the drill."

"I… Do I have to show you?" 

"Yes, of course. Who do you think you're dealing with? Sharesies or the Devil won't help you."

"Lord, I bet you get off to this, don't you?"

"You _wish_ you were in my spank bank."

"Fine. Here. It's just these four images."

"Ooh, la, _la_ , Olin. Spent some time in Paris, I see... Gosh, look at the girth on that one. Good for you."

"Do you have to be so crass about it?"

"I've seen your voting record. I'm hardly the crass one between us."

"Whatever. Are you going to help or not?"

"No need to be so tetchy. Of course I'll help. Like always. For a price."

" _Hey_! Don't send those to anyone!"

" _Whoops_. Too late. Don't worry. They're perfectly safe. Simply in my personal collection to ensure your cooperation. You understand."

"Y-you-you—"

"Careful now."

"You can't send those to anyone! It'll be the end of me!"

"Whether I send them or not will be entirely up to you. So let's get down to business, shall we? I'll make Keith and Bobby go away in exchange for a yes on the Clear Skies Act."

"The _light pollution bill_? Nuh-uh, no way. I can't support that one for you. Anyway, it's dead on arrival. Only scientists and treehuggers give a damn about it."

"You can and will support this if you wish to stay in the closet. I've someone rather dear to me who would be disappointed if smog were to cloak the earthly plane by the time she's older, and I can't say I disagree with her. Some of my best work's up there, you know."

"You don't understand. They'll string me up but good if I vote yes on that one! I mean, the rubes who vote for me think _climate change_ is a goddamn hoax. They won't care about stargazing unless Fox tells them to—or hell, what is it now? OANN?"

"Need I remind you the opinions of your South Carolinian constituents are not my problem?"

"God, it's 2021. Maybe I should just come out already. I might actually get the youth vote for once."

"Dad certainly won't care if you show a little pride—well, in this case, at least. It has been known to go before some other falls. Doubtful you'll get the youth vote after you insulted the K-pop stans, though. Now _there's_ a group that can hold a grudge." 

"I hope you know my donors are gonna have my ass for this."

"Again, not my problem. At any rate, doesn't seem you're that opposed to a good rogering."

"..."

"..."

"All right, fine. I'll fucking vote for the Clear Skies Act."

"Good. While you're at it, you can see to these items, as well."

"What the— You brought a _list_?"

"Yes! Last time I was here you told me to bring a list of demands if we saw one another again. So, you're welcome."

"I didn't mean that _literally_."

"Well I'm a very literal sort of Devil. My word is my bond. And what was it you said recently? Oh, yes. We could use your words against you."

"Fuck."

"Yes, glad we understand one another."

"You want me to donate ten grand to _Planned Parenthood_?"

"I understand you've a terrible image to keep. An anonymous donation will suffice."

"I can't do all this. I'm not sure I can even _afford_ to do all this."

"You'll find a way. I believe in you. Now, I best be off. My partner's waiting on me. Pleasure doing business, Olin."

"Yeah, pleasure for _you_ , at least."

"One last thing before I go: Any idea where old Yertle is today?"

"Yertle?"

"You know, the turtle. Oh, don't pretend you've no idea exactly who I'm talking about."

"..."

"..."

"He's in D.C. today."

"Right. Thanks. Until next time."

"This is the last time, trust me!"

"Oh, I highly doubt that, but in case it is, I'm sure we'll catch up elsewhere—say, somewhere far warmer?"


End file.
